Going Gray || Let's Get Physical

Can we talk about aging? More specifically, can we talk about women aging? I think about how hard it must be for kids to grow up in the internet age where they are constantly blasted by ideals of perfection. The perfect aesthetic, the perfect relationship, the perfect body, and the perfect face. Even as a 46-year-old, I’m not immune to those pressures. Tyra Banks, Gabrielle Union, Heidi Klum, and Marisa Tomei are all incredibly beautiful women who are also 46. Nothing short of a deal with the devil would put me in the same class as any of these women. But my point is that the pressure regardless of age is still there.

This year I chose movement as my word of the year. For me, a huge part of aging gracefully is to take control of my physical health. I can’t say that I’ve ever been athletic…there was the cheerleading thing in high school but that was more about the outfit! But, there were a few years when I worked out regularly. If I’m being honest, I loved the way it felt. I loved knowing that in those 45 minutes my body had intention and my movements were deliberate. And, I liked the way I looked. Thin but strong and capable. I don’t look that way anymore and I most certainly don’t feel that way. This month I’m prioritizing my fitness! I'm going to work out for 30 days. No excuses. I started January 2 since the month has 31 days in it. So far, success! I’m cleaning up my diet even more and changing some things about the way that I eat. But, we’ll discuss that when I check-in after 30 days ;) And here, in the name of transparency and accountability, are the most unflattering photos I’ve ever willingly published on Al Gore’s internet. Ooff! I’m hoping to lose weight obviously, but I’d like to see things a bit tighter and firmer. I’ll see you with an update in a month!

Word Of The Year || M O V E M E N T

Last year I chose the word “Light” for my word of the year. I’m pretty happy with how it worked in helping me make several big changes in my life. As 2019 came to an end and I reflected on things I realized that there were other some areas of my life where I felt really stuck. I hadn’t made much if any progress on my overall fitness and physical health. I also didn’t do as much with this platform as I’d hoped to do.

I’m headed toward 50(Holy crap!) and as I approach the fifth decade of my life, I need some momentum! I decided my word for 2020 is, MOVEMENT. It is defined as 1. the act or process of moving 2.a particular instance and manner of moving 3. tendency or trend 4. a series of organized activities working toward an objective.

This year I want to get unstuck! I want to move. I want to create movement. I want to be a part of a movement bigger than myself. To help me bring things in to focus a little more, I’m choosing a different word every month that will work in tandem with Movement. For January, it’s “prioritize”. I’m prioritizing physical movement by exercising every day for 30 days. I’m prioritizing my studies which will move me further along on my career path and I’m prioritizing the content I put here that aligns more with my vision for the blog.

Here’s to a new year, a new decade, and a movement!

Forty-Six

Yesterday I turned 46. Birthdays have always been a weird thing for me. Always. Even as a kid they weren’t really my jam. I often spend the entire month of August depressed and panicking about how my life is flying by and none of the things I thought I would be or do have happened. This year I was determined to embrace it. If I’m being completely transparent, it was hard. This month was intense. But, this year instead of bottling all of that anxiety inside I talked about. I shared my fears with my friends and my husband. I was honest with myself about my feelings. I made plans to go out with my best friends to celebrate and they held me to it. So I pulled on my party dress, dug out a pair of heels, spent a ridiculous amount of time putting on false lashes and lived my best birthday life!

Happy birthday Courtnee! This year you’ve grown in ways you didn’t think were possible. You are closer to your purpose. You’ve embraced your commitment to rediscovering the lightness in your own life. You’ve challenged yourself to do things that terrify you in spite of your anxiety. You’ve deepened your connections to your village. You’ve loved and laughed. You have been more unapologetically you this year than you’ve ever been. You work everyday on loving who you are right now. Here’s to another year of growth, love and self discovery.

Going Gray|| Lifestyle Changes

Going Gray is a series I’ve been wanting to start in order to process my feelings about aging. I hope it’s a place where I can foster dialogue and have honest conversations about my own fears and share observations about what it feels like to age in a society that focused on youthfulness.

At the beginning of the year I shared my word of the year, LIGHT, and my thoughts about what it meant to me and how I was hoping to implement it. And, in a lot of ways, I’m happy with how this year has unfolded using it as a point of reference. I knew at the beginning of the year that I needed to apply not only to my emotional and mental health but I really needed to use it to tackle my physical health too. But, there are things I’ve been avoiding unpacking because it’s hard. And so, I put off addressing health concerns and my body issues.

Many of my own issues with my body are entrenched not so much in getting old but in looking old! For most us, as we age we tend to get a bit softer and perhaps a size or two bigger. I have spent the better part of the year hating how my body looks and attempting the “perfect” diet. And, it always fails. I beat myself up and promise that the next time I’ll succeed. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Last month I finally took the time sit with my thoughts about my body. Why do I feel the way I feel? But more importantly, what was I trying to accomplish? And I journaled about it a lot. It finally dawned on me that as much as I want to have my old body back, I wanted to feel the way I felt in that body. I wanted to feel at ease with myself and physically capable which is light years away from how I feel right now. Then I started to dissect what was happening in my life at that time. And I discovered, I was treating myself with kindness. I was eating clean without denying myself things I enjoyed. I loved my body enough to challenge it to be better. And so, here we are. The end goal for me is better health and I’m hoping that will help me as sail into middle age. The key for me is making small changes in order to maintain a sustainable shift in my lifestyle.

At the beginning of the month I decided to go fully vegetarian with the goal of eliminating most animal products(except cheese! Vegan cheese is sad and you can’t convince me otherwise) from my diet. It’s been easier than I anticipated. I’ve been inspired to cook more and listen to my body. I love carbs and eliminating animal protein is frightening for me because I could easily resort to eating creamy pasta for every meal. So, I’m making a concentrated effort to eat a healthy and balanced vegetarian diet replacing meat with things like mushrooms, beans and lentils.

We’re almost at the end of the first month and I can honestly say that I don’t miss meat. I do, however, miss the prospect of seafood. The healthier I eat, the less I crave things that I used to crave daily! Funny how that works. I’m not sure if I’ve lost any weight because I’m sure getting on a scale right now would sabotage my progress. I’m changing the definition of success in this area of my life looks like. And it seems to be working. Did you embark on any changes to your diet, health or fitness this year?

You Say It's Your Birthday!

Hey, girl, hey!! 

Today you turn 45. I'm sure you're supposed to have feelings about it but you don't. Or should I say, you don't have any feelings about it that you've been able to fully process? I do know that saying it out loud seems heavy, substantial. It feels like everything should be different but it's unremarkable in its sameness. At some point, you'll sit down and have a proper cry and mild existential crisis as GenXers are prone to do. I know you thought you would have conquered the world by now but these days you count any day you wear actual pants and finish your coffee before it needs to be reheated as a win. And, that's ok. Life may not be as grand as you dreamed it to be as 10-year-old, but it's a hell of a lot better than you ever imagined it would be as that wounded and fragile 25-year-old. Remembering that girl we used to be hurts my heart.

But, you put yourself back together, baby girl.  You are learning to love yourself. You fell in love and got married. You watched your children grow into pretty kick ass adults. You had your miracle baby and survived PPD. You embraced your new life with a new baby and like most of the time, you fucking rocked it! You became a grandmother! Fuck! Girl, I know. But that baby has changed you in ways you never thought she would. Basically, your life can be summed up by one of those cliche graphic t-shirts at Target. And, guess what? You are perfectly happy with it! 

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Your first 45 years have been pretty great! I can't wait to see what you do next!  And, to quote the great American philosopher, RuPaul, "if you don't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else!" 

xoxo

PS-

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