Forty-Six

August 31, 2019 courtnee

Yesterday I turned 46. Birthdays have always been a weird thing for me. Always. Even as a kid they weren’t really my jam. I often spend the entire month of August depressed and panicking about how my life is flying by and none of the things I thought I would be or do have happened. This year I was determined to embrace it. If I’m being completely transparent, it was hard. This month was intense. But, this year instead of bottling all of that anxiety inside I talked about. I shared my fears with my friends and my husband. I was honest with myself about my feelings. I made plans to go out with my best friends to celebrate and they held me to it. So I pulled on my party dress, dug out a pair of heels, spent a ridiculous amount of time putting on false lashes and lived my best birthday life!

Happy birthday Courtnee! This year you’ve grown in ways you didn’t think were possible. You are closer to your purpose. You’ve embraced your commitment to rediscovering the lightness in your own life. You’ve challenged yourself to do things that terrify you in spite of your anxiety. You’ve deepened your connections to your village. You’ve loved and laughed. You have been more unapologetically you this year than you’ve ever been. You work everyday on loving who you are right now. Here’s to another year of growth, love and self discovery.

You Say It's Your Birthday!

August 30, 2018 courtnee

Hey, girl, hey!!

Today you turn 45. I'm sure you're supposed to have feelings about it but you don't. Or should I say, you don't have any feelings about it that you've been able to fully process? I do know that saying it out loud seems heavy, substantial. It feels like everything should be different but it's unremarkable in its sameness. At some point, you'll sit down and have a proper cry and mild existential crisis as GenXers are prone to do. I know you thought you would have conquered the world by now but these days you count any day you wear actual pants and finish your coffee before it needs to be reheated as a win. And, that's ok. Life may not be as grand as you dreamed it to be as 10-year-old, but it's a hell of a lot better than you ever imagined it would be as that wounded and fragile 25-year-old. Remembering that girl we used to be hurts my heart.

But, you put yourself back together, baby girl. You are learning to love yourself. You fell in love and got married. You watched your children grow into pretty kick ass adults. You had your miracle baby and survived PPD. You embraced your new life with a new baby and like most of the time, you fucking rocked it! You became a grandmother! Fuck! Girl, I know. But that baby has changed you in ways you never thought she would. Basically, your life can be summed up by one of those cliche graphic t-shirts at Target. And, guess what? You are perfectly happy with it!

via GIPHY

Your first 45 years have been pretty great! I can't wait to see what you do next! And, to quote the great American philosopher, RuPaul, "if you don't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else!"

xoxo

PS-

via GIPHY

Rowan turns 3!

March 27, 2017 courtnee

Saturday our little hero turned 3! I'm not sure how three years have gone by in the blink of an eye but my little preemie is this amazing little boy!

I decided on a comic book super-hero theme with black white with pops of color. We kept things pretty simple and easy. We opted to order some oversized signs from Amazon. I contacted the Etsy seller who designed the invitations to see if she could make a coordinating sign. I had it printed at Staples. I made the signs for the buffet in Picmonkey and attached them to cardstock to bring in more color. The husband did a great job on the "hero" sandwiches and I made up a batch of "dare"deviled eggs and some pretty super jello cups.

The weather cooperated and we had a beautiful afternoon celebrating with family. I love the way everything turned out.

The residents of the city sleep a little easier knowing that their hero is keeping a watchful eye on them.

Party Sources:

Personalized cape and mask- Little Shepsters- Etsy
Invitations and Banner design- Bernelo- Etsy
Comic Book signs- Amazon
Cake- Jensen's Sweet Sinsations

birthday girl

August 30, 2016 courtnee

a letter to my 13 yr old self on the occasion of turning 43.

happy birthday! today you are 43! i know. there was a time when you thought anyone over 30 was ancient but the older you get, the more fluid the old lady rubric appears to be..

i decided to talk to you, my precious 13 year old self, because this is the last age where you are the true you, in all of your awkward glory. sometime in the next year you will retreat to that place where teenage girls hide their light and become self conscious/hyper critical versions of the person they used to be.

not gonna lie, those years are TOUGH! you spend a lot of time hating yourself and feeling unworthy of anything. this means many of your choices will be driven by fear. the fear of success,the fear of failure, the fear of being loved, the fear of being authentic.

you will experience heartbreak and loss so profound that it causes you physical pain. you won't think recovering is possible. you'll doubt your ability to raise your kids as a single mom(spoiler alert: they are AMAZING!) you'll struggle with figuring what you want to do with rest of your life(spoiler alert: it's still a work in progress!) there are times when you remain wholly convinced that you will grow old alone(you don't!) and even with grief, loss, heartache and more bad decisions than i care to remember, you'll come to this point with very few real regrets.

because all of those missteps and questionable choices have created the person, the woman you are right now. you aren't the perfect friend, daughter, wife or mother but you do your best to be what they need. you are the person that offers clarity and insight. you are the person that can crack the right joke at the perfect to put everyone at ease. you aren't an artist but you recognize and appreciate artistry and beauty. you learn to love deeply and unconditionally. you see the best in others even when you struggle to see it in yourself. the place you will find yourself, the life you create for yourself is even better than your dream because it is real. it is tangible.

so, don't give up hope girl! life will reveal itself to be a weird, painful, f**ked up, amazing gift! and when you blow your candles out today the thing you will wish for is exactly what you have- family, friends, the love of your life and a pretty badass shoe collection;)