Worn || Ready or Not

I’m a week away from my 50th birthday and I have so many feelings about it; very few are good. I desperately want to be one of those people who celebrate their birthdays for the entire month but I can’t remember ever being happy about getting older.

Not to get all “therapy” speak, but I’m certain it’s because I rarely give myself permission to exist and enjoy the present. I’m either punishing myself for the past or anxiously trying to micromanage the future.

My goal for the week is to live in this moment. Enjoy the person I am right now. appreciating the life I have is so much more than I ever imagined it could be. 50 is on the horizon, ready or not.

dress here || bag here || shoes here || jacket vintage\thrifted || necklace here

Worn || Gingham Style

August is a weird month. Many people are focused on getting themselves or their kids ready to return to school, so there’s always a little hope that comes with fresh starts and new school supplies.

I have an August birthday and this month has always been about endings. The end of another trip around the sun. The end of those long sun-drenched days filled with possibility. So long summer romance. Goodbye to my golden summer tan.

I’m going to do everything I can to hold on to the last few glorious days of summer, embrace the sweetness of August and reflect on my last few weeks as a fortysomething.

Worn|| Cuff It

Having lived through the 1980s when mom jeans were simply called jeans because they were the only style available, I was sure that “mom jeans” was a trend I would avoid, especially since mom jeans aren’t always flattering to mom bodies.

::Dollhouse high-waisted jeans have entered the chat. ::

They are stretchy and comfortably hold in that annoying lower stomach pooch that has decided it’s here to stay. I love that I throw a wide cuff on them and they are the perfect length for almost any pair of shoes I decide to wear.

Speaking of shoes, I didn’t get these until late last summer so I didn’t get much wear out of them before it was boot season. However, I think they are my new favorites.

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Jeans similar here Top here Shoes here Cardigan similar here

Worn|| Tulle the Point

If you had told me five years ago, I would be having another crisis of personal style because my days would be spent in comfy clothes that hide baby puke, I wouldn’t have believed you, yet, here we are.

When our daughter told us she was pregnant, I happily volunteered to watch our grandson during the day when she went back to work. I’m over the moon that I get to spend so much quality time with him. But just when I pulled myself out of a style rut that comes with being a stay-at-home to a young kiddo, my days are now spent taking care of the cutest 5-month-old ever. And that means comfortable and spit-up resistant. It also means that I relish the chance to dress up a little whenever possible.

Saturday we were lucky enough to help a friend celebrate his 5oth birthday. Is pink tulle kind of over the top? Absolutely. Did I wear it anyway? Also, absolutely.

I tried to tone it down by adding a puffer vest and sneakers. I like the way it turned out.

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Generation Inspiration

I’ve had a pair of vegan leather- pleather for all the GenXers in the crowd- on my Pinterest board for a few years. I’ve had them in various online shopping carts for months. For whatever reason, I couldn’t click buy. Maybe it was the thrifting gods whispering “we got you” in my ear. But, a few months ago I went thrifting with my daughter, and there they were. The perfect size, exactly what I was looking for, and only 7.99.

I will confess that most days I wear a uniform that consists of leggings and a sweater. If I’m feeling fancy, I swap out the leggings for a pair of jeans. I’m trying to force myself out of this rut. What’s the point in buying things I love if I never wear them?

First, I styled them in the way I would most likely wear them- blouse, trench, and heels. Classic and appropriate for most occasions, although I would probably swap out the stilettos for something with a chunky heel if I was headed out for the day with my 8-year-old.

Then I got some fit inspo from the Tik Tok generation. This time I paired them with a chunky sweater, a hat, and my Air Force 1s. I gotta say the kids are alright because I really like this!

Worn||A Well-Dressed Mess

Mother’s Day came and went this year without a post from me. It was the second one without my mom and in all honesty, I was unprepared for how hard it would hit me. Most of last year was spent in a haze of personal grief and collective mourning for all that we were losing almost daily. I was numb last year. This year I felt the weight of my own personal loss. Perhaps, I should say, I finally allowed myself to feel the weight of my loss.

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Like lots of mothers and daughters, my mom and I had a complicated relationship. Sometimes we were so alike that most people would never notice how vast our differences were. And, I think I always believed those monumental differences meant that I would never be the daughter she was proud of. I always believed the times she voiced doubt about my choices or concern for the direction of my life it was judgment. I thought her interest in our commonalities was pressure for me to do those things the exact same way that she did. I never suspected that perhaps I was teaching her or that she was excited to see something she loved become something important to me.

I’ve been struggling in therapy a lot lately which is really how it goes. Every breakthrough is followed by a breakdown. Because growth can be as painful as it is powerful. Both awesome and terrifying. So, my therapist gave me homework. I had to write a letter to myself laying out all of the reasons why I’m not that broken person I was in my past. The girl I jokingly call, The Well Dressed Mess. The Bespoke Basketcase. The Fuck Up in the lovely Frock.

I won’t go into all the details I laid out in that letter but the one that is sticking with me and the one I’ve been unable to really say out loud is that I can’t be that old version of myself because I am my mother’s legacy.

In the few years before she died, we weren’t very close. Miscommunication and hurt feelings were at the root of it. But, I’d finally started to work past some of them. We started talking a little more. My visits weren’t so few and far between. Honestly, I thought we’d have more time. We didn’t. And I’ve carried so much guilt. Guilt that wouldn’t let me say that I miss her so much. Guilt that wouldn’t let me tell people how very much I loved her. And that guilt would never let me say that I can’t go back to being the well-dressed mess because it’s not who my mom raised me to be.

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Whenever I was facing a conflict or a crisis, I could go to her. We’d have coffee and I would cry it out. She’d wipe my tears and rub my back. Saying, “I know….I know…it’s okay sweetie….” over and over until I was soothed. When I was ready to go back out into the world she’d give me a hug and whisper “give ‘em hell, Rae!” in my ear as I left.

So even when the fight to stay mentally healthy is incredibly difficult and all of the demons from my past are being kept at bay by the thinnest of razor wire, I will not be that person ever again because I’m starting to realize that I’m growing into the woman my mom always knew I was.

I’m still here mama, and I’m doing my damndest to give ‘em hell!

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Worn|| Rambling

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For the first time in four years, I’m not living with a knot of anxiety in my soul. I’m a little lighter. There’s a tiny sliver of optimism that pops its head out every now and then.

Strangely, I’ve also been exhausted and really, really sad. It’s dawned on me that like a lot of us who have faced each day of the Trump administration braced for horror and new lows, I’ve been running on a mixture of rage and anxiety. Survival mode. The pandemic has just become another thing to “get through”. And now that one threat has been vanquished, I have space to grieve for the things that we’ve lost in this last year. The big things- babies being born, graduations, weddings, birthdays- and the smaller ones- Sunday brunch, afternoons at the art museum, spa days, and date nights- all gone for those of us who have been following orders to shelter at home. I used to think a lot about how absolutely normal and mundane my life was. The life of a middle-aged suburban housewife is only exciting when scripted by the execs at Bravo. I never would have guessed that the loss of “normal” would leave such a Grand Canyon-sized hole in not only how I perceive the world, but also in how I view myself. If my role as a wife and a mother is to comfort and care for my family and the ways in which I’ve done that are suddenly not accessible, then what is my purpose?

This long ramble is just to say I feel unmoored in this new normal. I think it’s part of grieving all that we have lost. And, if you’re feeling that way too, please know that you are not alone.

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Worn || Happy

Sadness and grief make the world look different. Everything is the same but different. The world keeps moving. Life, as they say, goes on. The sun isn’t shining but the temperature is blessedly warm for a mid-western winter. So, I’m keeping things simple- a favorite sweater, jeans, sneakers and a coat from my mom.

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School Dazed || 3 Quick Looks For Every Day

Let me preface this post by saying that as parents, especially moms, we are all doing the very best we can! I’m not posting this to shame anyone or to say you should dress a certain way. Getting kids up and out of the house every day can be as tough as climbing Kilimanjaro. I know first hand that sometimes all I can manage is to throw a sweater over whatever I slept in and pull on the pair of leggings at the top of the laundry basket! However, I’ve found that having a game plan/an idea of a few things I can throw and feel good about myself is an enormous help when I’m running on autopilot.

Like most parents, the start of school is a welcome relief from being the 24/7 entertainment director for my 5-year-old. Of course, this means we have to be up, out and look fairly presentable far earlier than we’ve grown used to.

Here are three easy ways to look low key pulled together when you’d rather be wearing pajamas.

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This outfit is all about elevated basics. We all have leggings and sweatshirts that we most likely live in. This look uses the faux leather texture of the leggings and the graphics on the sweatshirt to take it up a notch. The leopard scarf says I just took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that bitch.

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This a look we all have. A favorite cardigan, a t shirt and a pair of skinny jeans. Boom! Out the door in 15 minutes.

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I’ve been adding graphic t-shirts to my closet this summer with the sole intention of wearing them with something other than leggings. Here my favorite distressed jeans and a thrifted Minnie Mouse t-shirt feel a little more dressed up when I wear them with a timeless cropped trench coat and sparkly flats!

Nothing here is fussy or overdone. It’s all comfy enough to keep up with my kid. None of it is groundbreaking or edgy. But all of it makes me like I’ve got my shit together…even when that’s not even close to being true!