"I didn't have the language for it then — but I've always dressed for the woman I was becoming, not the woman I was supposed to be."
Read moreWho Were You Beautiful For?
A woman on Threads said she was exhausted trying to keep up with beauty standards in her late 40s—botox, filler, hair dye, the whole thing. She wanted to know how to get comfortable with aging.
My answer: I decentered men and the male gaze. I went to therapy. I realized how I look is the least interesting thing about me.
But here's what I didn't say in that comment, and what I'm saying now: I struggled with an eating disorder for almost 20 years. When I think about all that time I spent hating my body, all the joy I missed because I was convinced I was too ugly to deserve it—I grieve.
New post about beauty standards, the male gaze, and what's actually at stake when we organize our lives around looking "acceptable."
Read moreYou Say It's Your Birthday!
Hey, girl, hey!!
Today you turn 45. I'm sure you're supposed to have feelings about it but you don't. Or should I say, you don't have any feelings about it that you've been able to fully process? I do know that saying it out loud seems heavy, substantial. It feels like everything should be different but it's unremarkable in its sameness. At some point, you'll sit down and have a proper cry and mild existential crisis as GenXers are prone to do. I know you thought you would have conquered the world by now but these days you count any day you wear actual pants and finish your coffee before it needs to be reheated as a win. And, that's ok. Life may not be as grand as you dreamed it to be as 10-year-old, but it's a hell of a lot better than you ever imagined it would be as that wounded and fragile 25-year-old. Remembering that girl we used to be hurts my heart.
But, you put yourself back together, baby girl. You are learning to love yourself. You fell in love and got married. You watched your children grow into pretty kick ass adults. You had your miracle baby and survived PPD. You embraced your new life with a new baby and like most of the time, you fucking rocked it! You became a grandmother! Fuck! Girl, I know. But that baby has changed you in ways you never thought she would. Basically, your life can be summed up by one of those cliche graphic t-shirts at Target. And, guess what? You are perfectly happy with it!
Your first 45 years have been pretty great! I can't wait to see what you do next! And, to quote the great American philosopher, RuPaul, "if you don't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else!"
xoxo
PS-