Unpack.

To remove the contents of. To unburden or reveal. To analyze the detail of by examining in detail. To decompress.

I think we have all breathed a collective sigh of relief that 2020 is over. And are a bit apprehensive about what 2021 may bring. It would be foolish to think that everything will completely change once the clock strikes 12:00 on January 1. In spite of my pessimistic nature, I can’t help but hope that this year will bring all of the things that we were robbed of last year. In the spirit of letting myself have a little bit of hope, I decided to pick a word for this year. OR, should I say it picked me just as it did in the last two years. It struck me in the middle of another sleepless night, UNPACK.

How will I unpack?

I want to unburden myself of the rage I’ve been living with for the last four years and find a better way to channel that anger into something more productive.

These last 10 months living in lockdown I’ve started to embrace simplicity. Everything feels like a lot! When I look around my space, I want to be surrounded by not just the things I need but also things that I love. 2021 will be the year of going through all of the things and figuring out what stays and what goes in an effort to unburden myself of excess.

Finally, in the past few months, I’ve been working really hard in therapy to understand why I feel so undeserving of the love of friends and family. In a lot of ways, I fear that the more I am me. the more there is to reject. And so, I’m never fully myself in any relationship. This year it’s time for me to stop living like I have one foot out the door. To show up as my full self, unpack, and stay.

Here’s to 2021 my friends.

*I started writing this post on January 1. We’re 12 days in and 2021 is already a dumpster fire. So yeah. Also, fuck Donald Trump and his mob of terrorists. Now. And, forever.

Last year, I chose cultivate as my one little word. In some ways, I succeeded. I made and nurtured new friendships. The seeds of several new creative endeavors were planted. And, I worked on strengthening some relationships that are very important to me. But, I fell short of how I wanted to use my One Little Word to help me navigate throughout the year. So, this year I'm choosing to COMMIT. I've made a list of goals that I want to either fully accomplish this year or take definite steps towards accomplishing them within the next two years. Long-term planning has never been my strong suit but this year, I'm committed to mapping out the pieces of my life that I've left to chance or neglected in the past.

COMMIT will be my touchstone for decision making this year. Is this an idea, challenge, goal, relationship that I can fully COMMIT to? If not, why? Am I simply afraid to step up because I fear failure or is there a tangible reason why this can't be a "yes" for me? I think I say #hardpass on lots of things. Not because I can't do them. But, because my fear of success is almost as paralyzing as my fear of failure! What if I stop letting those two assholes make my decisions for me?!

The less said about 2 0 1 7, the better! So, buckle up 2 0 1 8 because, I'm coming for you!

Photo by Florian Klauer on Unsplash