L I G H T

And with the stroke of the clock another year begins and we think about all of the things we want to accomplish. Improvements we want to make. People we’d like to become. The older I get, the less likely I am to shit on proclamations of “New Year, New Me!” Perhaps getting old is enough to deal with. Do I really need to add cynic on top of it?!

I’m a champion self saboteur. So I’ve shied away from resolutions in an effort to keep from beating myself up when I inevitably fail. The last two years I’ve chosen a word to be my touchstone for the year. Plot twist: I failed at that too!

And here’s where that sliver of optimism comes into play, I’m trying it again! Unlike the past two years I didn’t struggle or labor over “my word”. It came so easily that I immediately dismissed it. I haven’t become so Suzy Sunshine that I’m not a little suspicious of things that are easy. But, the more I thought about the more i liked it!

My word for 2019 is L I G H T.

light

/līt/

noun

1. the natural agent that stimulates sight and makes things visible.

   synonyms:illumination, brightness, luminescence, luminosity, shining, gleaming, gleam, brilliance, radiance, luster, glowing, glow, blaze, glare, dazzle

2. understanding of a problem or mystery; enlightenment. synonyms:aspect, angle, slant, approach, interpretation, viewpoint, standpoint, context, hue, complexion 

verb

1.

provide with light or lighting; illuminate.

synonyms:make bright, brighten, illuminate, lighten, throw/cast light on, shine on

adjective

1. having a considerable or sufficient amount of natural light; not dark.

   "the bedrooms are light and airy"

   synonyms:bright, full of light, well lit, well illuminated, sunny"a light, cheerful room"

The last two years have been heavy. Emotionally draining. Physically exhausting. And it shows. I look back at photos from a few years ago and I see a person with a light in her eyes. A woman who was excited about life and its infinite possibilities. I don’t see that anymore. And, I want that back! I need it! This year I want to reclaim the things that inspired me, that sparked curiosity and self reflection or simply made me happy! I want to lighten myself emotionally by letting go of anger. SO MUCH ANGER. At life, the world, the politics of this country. I want to find a way to work for what I believe in without it consuming me. I want to lighten myself physically. This is the heaviest I’ve been, aside from pregnancy, in a decade. I hate it. It literally drags me down. My emotional health is suffering from it. I want the extra weight gone. But I want to lose it in a way that makes me feel good about myself. I want to be physically strong and capable. The effects of being sedentary are depressing. I have young child and I want to be strong and healthy so I can be better mom for him.

There will be more posts about how I want to apply my word to various aspects of life but for now let’s celebrate surviving the shitstorm that was 2018!

Cheers to 2019! Let’s live in the light!

Photo by Leighann Renee on Unsplash

The Girl With The Glasses

Earlier in the year I went to have an eye exam. I was expecting to finally get the news that is another harbinger of middle age…bi-focals. Color me shocked that I was able to hold that one off!

Anyway, a few weeks ago I finally got my act together and ordered my new glasses. Since I discovered I could get stylish and affordable glasses online I cannot remember the last pair I purchased from a regular retailer. Zenni is bae! I’ve flirted with a few other websites but I always end up back where I started. I ordered 3 pair. A new pair of sunnies, a pair to wear around the house, and a new every day pair. Three pair of prescription glasses and shipping was a whopping $75! I couldn’t be happier.

An Exercise in Self Care

Self care is a word that is being thrown a lot lately. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what it means for me. Here’s what I’ve discovered. Self care is less about pampering and more about doing things that nurture my creativity. As of late that has included lots more reading, listening to music and journaling. I’ve never been huge into journaling for the same reasons I sometimes find therapy difficult, confronting what I’m feeling is really freaking hard! Emotionally, the last few years have been brutal and my survival has been partially due to my ability shut off a lot of what I’m feeling.

I recognize that it’s not healthy. Perhaps more importantly, it’s also not how I want move through the world. So I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and writing. I’ve also started to do little bit of creative journaling. I’m not an artist in any way, shape, or form so collaging and scrapbooking makes me feel artistic. It’s also been a great coping mechanism in the last few months.

I took this photo on a hike a few weeks ago. Like many survivors of sexual assault and trauma, watching the Kavaungh hearing and the testimony of Dr Blasey-Ford was deeply triggering. My husband suggested a hike as a way to unplug for a bit. I snapped this photo as we were crossing the creek. I knew that I wanted to include it in my notebook as a reminder not only of how far I’ve come but also to give myself permission to bend or even break if I need to. It’s ok to have your shit together and rock at life. But, it’s ok if you’re not. It’s ok if you are getting through the day out of habit. It’s ok to not be ok.

And just in case you need to hear it today, I see you. I hear you. I believe you.

Worn{feeling fall}

Fall has finally arrived and I am here for it! Yaaasssss! Give me pumpkin spice! Give me scarves! Give me boots!! We’ve had temps in the 80s until last week! But, you know….global warming is totes not a thing y’all! ::insert your favorite eye roll gif here!::

Anyway, I’m deeply in love with jewel tones right now. So this combination of red, mustard, orange and teal is perfection. These sneakers tho! I’ve been contemplating a pair of high top wedge kicks for a while. They were on trend a few years ago. For some reason I couldn’t currently get them off my mind. Comfortable and a little bit of edge! Why did I pass on them before?! I had a pair sitting in my Amazon cart. A few weeks ago I decided to pop in Goodwill because I had some time to kill before I needed to pick Rowan up from school. These were the first thing I saw when I walked in the door! And, they were $4. It was meant to be!

Has the weather cooled off in your neck of the woods? Are you ready for all the fall things?

You Say It's Your Birthday!

Hey, girl, hey!! 

Today you turn 45. I'm sure you're supposed to have feelings about it but you don't. Or should I say, you don't have any feelings about it that you've been able to fully process? I do know that saying it out loud seems heavy, substantial. It feels like everything should be different but it's unremarkable in its sameness. At some point, you'll sit down and have a proper cry and mild existential crisis as GenXers are prone to do. I know you thought you would have conquered the world by now but these days you count any day you wear actual pants and finish your coffee before it needs to be reheated as a win. And, that's ok. Life may not be as grand as you dreamed it to be as 10-year-old, but it's a hell of a lot better than you ever imagined it would be as that wounded and fragile 25-year-old. Remembering that girl we used to be hurts my heart.

But, you put yourself back together, baby girl.  You are learning to love yourself. You fell in love and got married. You watched your children grow into pretty kick ass adults. You had your miracle baby and survived PPD. You embraced your new life with a new baby and like most of the time, you fucking rocked it! You became a grandmother! Fuck! Girl, I know. But that baby has changed you in ways you never thought she would. Basically, your life can be summed up by one of those cliche graphic t-shirts at Target. And, guess what? You are perfectly happy with it! 

via GIPHY

Your first 45 years have been pretty great! I can't wait to see what you do next!  And, to quote the great American philosopher, RuPaul, "if you don't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else!" 

xoxo

PS-

via GIPHY

Worn{fancy dress day}

Wearing a dress always looks more put together than it feels. Essentially when I don't want to deal with waistbands, ironing, or finding two things that look good together, I'll wear a dress! Sometimes it turns a regular day into fancy dress day and I feel like a proper adult!  I'm in the process of going thru my closet with a more critical eye because the amount of STUFF is overwhelming me at this point! But, that deserves it's own post. This dress is one of the things that will definitely be staying. I can't think of one item of clothing I've purchased lately that feels more like me than this dress! 

Mondays Are For Messes

Some of my best moments with Rowan are when I get to show him my favorite little places in the city. I love being able to watch his eyes light up as he falls in love with them too! 

A few weeks ago, we ventured out to one of those little gems, Blue Manatee. I've taken him here a dozen or so times before. But, the most amazing part of having a four-year-old is watching how magical the world is for them! Rowan takes everything in and needs to process the surroundings for a while. Even as he gets more comfortable it takes time for him to warm up and engage. Because of this, I'm always worried. But really, I had nothing to worry about! 

The new location is just as cozy and wonderful as it's previous space. The staff is warm and generous. Ms. Kellie is amazing with the kids. We had such a great morning "making a mess" a Blue Manatee!  

He's already asked to go back to for another messy Monday! I think that means he loves it as much as I do! 

worn{carnaby street}

For whatever reason, these pants give me a very London 1960s vibe. Perhaps it's the groovy pattern or the union jack color palette. Whatever the reason, they are one of those things I've pulled out of the donate pile several times, unable to let them go. 

We've also reached the stage of summer where it is unbearably hot! I don't want to deal with the flat iron so the big hair is back! And I can't go out naked so I wear whatever I want!

For some reason, I've also been itching for a big change! I think it probably has a lot to do with my rapidly approaching birthday and the heat. It's a scientific fact that those two things have been known to make a girl do the unexpected! I guess you'll just have to stick around and see exactly what that means. 

Worn {of the same stripe}

It's finally here! The never-ending winter has bid us farewell and spring is FINALLY here! I hope. I'm taking full advantage of these longer and warmer days by diving into my closet and digging out all of my favorite dresses. This was one of the offerings from the Victoria Beckham|Target collab. I managed to wear it a grand total of one time last year. Womp. Womp. I love it so I'm not sure why it's been passed over so many times. I think sometimes I get caught up on how I think something should look instead of considering how it should be styled to fit into my everyday life

So today, it's back to the basics. Flat sandals are a requirement for chasing down lightning quick little ones. And, a glittery belt because on Wednesdays-and any other day- we wear glitter!

"whatcha doin' wit da camera mama? say cheese!" Cute little photobomber! 

Worn{as time goes by}

I remember in the early days of my blogging, there was this endless need to have it first. I suppose in many ways that hasn't really changed be it fashion bloggers, lifestyle bloggers or mommy bloggers. The endless pursuit of the "new" will always be there. As I took a step back and focused on other things, I realized that most of the things I treasured in my closet or found myself reaching for time and time again weren't necessarily my newest goodies, they were the timeless pieces that made me feel confident when I was dressed. 

And while my need to stuff my closet with fancy skirts and dresses has slowed because my lifestyle has changed in the last four years, I decided to indulge myself during a big sale this past January. This dress is so pretty and I can see grabbing it on those occasions where I want to feel a little bit sexy without having to worry too much about it. The coat is at least ten years old from the days when I shopped at the Banana Republic faithfully and because cute, closed toe, and comfortable heels are hard to come by, these shoes remain a favorite!